On Fearless

Every year, since 2006 consciously and before that subconsciously, I have chosen one word to focus on for the year.

With the choosing of the word, whether I choose it or it chooses me, I always enter into the year thinking I know exactly what area of my life the word will be focused on.

And every single year I'm shocked.

Sometimes to the point of my jaw hanging open with a whispered-squeaked "oh" escaping, kind of shocked.

Two full months in, and this year is no exception.

Fearless chose me.

I thought I had an idea of what it was about.

However, with the January prompts from this class,

things became a little more clear.

A little more focused.

Then February rolled in. 

And then the unexpected shock.

But this shock was different.

This was one of those shocks that come out of nowhere and loom over you, almost menacingly, because It knows and You know that you are going to have to make a decision.

The kind of shock that drops your standing form down into the chair, whether there's a chair behind you or not, and the only thought you can form for several minutes is, "Oh, shit." because your brain has frozen and any form of higher thinking has shut down.

Yeah, that kind of shock.

I suppose I should have known, with a word like Fearless.

I should have known that I would be put into a position where I would have to choose to stay in my warm and safe, unchallenged haven or stand tall, with arms flung wide and bare my heart and soul, stripped of all the defending armour I have built up around me over the years.

I should have known a word like Fearless would challenge me like that.

With that challenge the possibility of a new path has emerged.

A new path that may be just a short jaunt leading right back to my current path, but with a few answers to old questions, or a new path that could take years to travel.

A new path with more situations, most likely, in which I will need to be Fearless.

But, it also holds a possibility, albeit a small possibility, of a joy I have long wished for.