Monday, August 6, 2012

Pushing Through


I used to paint.  It felt good.
And then I didn't anymore.

I used to draw.  It was total bliss.
And then I didn't anymore.

Then I did.  And it was saving me and I was soaring.

But then, I didn't anymore.

Years past.  Many things changed.  Many things happened.

And then that craving... that need... that urge to soar came back.
But with it, something new.

Fear.
Fear of that blank, white canvas.
So I didn't do it.

But then I said, to hell with that.  I was going to do it.

I didn't do it.
I just talked about it.  I said I could do it.  I was good enough. 
I wouldn't let myself down.

Still nothing.

You're just lazy.  You have no drive.  You're all talk and no show.
LAZY.

That was worse.
Curl up into a ball, never wanting to be seen worse.
Humiliating.

But then... after awhile...  I heard it.
I wasn't lazy.  Those were just fear stories.
And it was okay.

I believed.
And so I started to push through.

I picked up my paint brush.
I opened my sketchbook.

I began to soar.
I remembered it.
It was shaky at first.  Still is at times.
Even frustrating when I start listening to the ugly stories.

I started to push through.
I am still pushing through.

All I want to do is soar.



9 comments:

kandeland said...

and you most certainly WILL continue to soar my friend! xo

Leanne said...

soar away? hey you know how sometimes large birds need to get a good run up before they lift up out of the water? Sounds like that was what you were doing ... getting started! All part of the process :)

keep soarin'!

Leanne

Lyn said...

This is just lovely, and a reminder I needed to hear too. Thank you for posting this, and keep soaring! x

PamelaArtsinSF said...

Go for it...I am an artist and I have learned a few things--the more you work at something the better you become. And more importantly, don't censor yourself. The process is so important - and usually pleasurable. Good luck!

Lorrie Orr said...

I've heard those same voices in my head. Still do. But one day...

Such an encouraging post. I love it. You are soaring. Enjoy the flight.

Dorthe said...

Many of us know those voices, those feeling not good thoughts...that feeling down thing..
You broke something in writing this, and for me too, Alisa.
I can see you soar already, and you will truly soar high and fly- you just know you can!!
Hugs,Dorthe

Michelle Palmer said...

It is part of you~ fills a place where nothing else will fit...
Fantastic post :)

Robin Thomas said...

This post just made me inhale deeply.

Go...

Me too.

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